i'm a hard person to love, part one

I'm difficult. I'm stubborn. I make dumb decisions. I don't always use the mind I was blessed with. I hold grudges to the bone. I get annoyed easily. I can be selfish. I always believe I'm right, all the way down to my soul. I'm up and down and all around.

I'm not saying I'm a bad person, because I'm not, but I am a hard person to love.

When I was younger, around fifteen, I wanted something serious, too serious. I'm not talking sex, I'm talking I wanted to meet my husband and live happily ever after. Now I'm twenty-one years old and being married scares the hell out of me. I'm not worried about commitment, I'm a commitment kind of girl. There is just something about that piece of paper that 'forces' an idea of forever - but this is not a rant about my views on marriage at my age. I think it's all different for every single soul. This is a point of the boy who did fall in love with me, through all of my spurts of insanity.

I was sixteen, a junior just starting at a new high school after being dropped out for a year or so (yes, I've been a drop out. Life experience, but I do not encourage it!), and I was nervous and dating a stupid boy. Don't we all have those? He dumped me because I was too serious, which I was. So then I was single, stupid and sixteen. The three S's, if you will. So, I focused on school and being a normal 'high school kid'. I've faced it now, that I was never normal.

When I was sixteen I did weird things with my friends. One day we decided to dress up as 'Charlies Angels' and put makeup on our faces like we were in a tribe, and took pictures. Next thing I knew from that day one of my friends had a picture with a really cute red head (I've always had a soft spot for gingers), so I asked who her cute friend was. Soon enough there was a friend request from a boy, that cute red head, by the way. I said hi, then he said hi, then eventually he was the one I logged in hoping that I would see a message from. Then from there it went from texting, and I found out he was a boy who could not fall in love (he said so himself). Finally we hung out at a minutes golf course. My little sister came along, because I was too nervous by myself. I picked him up, and I'm pretty sure I didn't speak the entire way there. And our first ice breaker for my shy self?

                             

Our first photograph together. Seventeen and sixteen.

"So, why can't you fall in love Ryan Wade?"

Stay tuned,

l.shane